I amazed myself this week. I know I joke about how awesome I am a lot, but this time I really mean it. I freaking rock.

You are probably wondering whose life I saved or what good I’ve done for the community. You’re expecting to see news articles about my contributions to the world or recent victories for human kind. Nope, none of the above my friends. My awesomeness surpasses even these great feats.

This past week, I managed to read AND COMPREHEND multiple articles about plant biology.

I’m sorry, I should have instructed you to sit down before reading that. Take a moment to gather yourself and wipe the look of shock off your face. There we go.

That’s right, yours truly actually understood not only the words, but the entire sentences of the textbook. I managed to grasp my head around the concepts and figure out the homework problems.

Some of you might be wondering why this is an accomplishment. In that case, hi. I’m Sara. We’ve obviously never met before, otherwise you’d know my lack of scientific skill.

With this inflated ego about science, I was ready to breeze through the next assignment. I figured it would take me, at most, an hour to finish everything. I mean, come on. I’m a scientific scholar now.

Fast forward 4 hours. I’m tearing my hair out, trying to figure out why the professor suddenly started writing questions and instructions in gibberish. It’s gotta be gibberish; there’s just no other explanation for my sudden lack of comprehension. Because, again, I am a scientific scholar now.

Poor guy must be going senile.

Classes have started up again. One of my classes is really interesting and gets everyone in energetic discussions. We spend a good deal of time talking theoretically about theater and art. Today, the discussion was about point of view and the Communists’ Manifesto. The professor asked us what we thought the Manifesto’s main flaw was. Most people said that while it looked good on paper, it wasn’t plausible. Some pointed out the blatant absence of facts. I said that I felt the biggest flaw was that the Mainfesto expected everyone to be a whole, rather than individuals. Similar to the Borg in Star Trek, they wanted everyone to join them. “Resistance is futile.” I even used air quotes.

Half of the class looked at me as though I was speaking gibberish. The other half named me their queen.

Books: $400
Campus Parking: $150
2 Printer ink cartridges: $40
Being done with all of your final research papers: Priceless

There’s some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s student loans.