I have had severe insomnia lately. I like to tell myself that it’s because my brain is so active, it’s hard to switch it off for a few hours and relax. In actuality, it’s probably my brain’s way of punishing me for watching so much reality TV.

Either way, this new schedule gives me oodles of free time. You know all those time I wished there were more hours in the day? It’s not exactly what I meant, but I’ll take it. I suddenly have about 8 extra hours to accomplish a multitude of tasks.

My evenings tend to go like this:

1:00am – Dan tells me he is going to bed. Even though I am not tired and whine about it like a 2-year-old being put down for a nap, I also go lay down. Maybe tonight will be the night I get some sleep.

1:05am – Dan is out cold. I am still awake. I warm up by pressing my cold feet against his in order to steal his body heat. This is partially to get warm and partially to see if he’s really sleep. I’m bored, and want him to wake up and keep me company.

1:15am – After admitting to myself that he is indeed dead to the world, I turn my back to him and close my eyes. I try to tune out everything around me.

1:16am – Dan is snoring. Nudge him and it stops.

1:17am – Dan is snoring again. Nudge him again and it stops.

1:18am – Dan is snoring again. Shake him violently and tell him to roll over and face the other side.

1:19am – Dan is snoring again. Decide that it would be best if I got up and did some work in order to really tire myself out. I can tune out his snoring if I am fall-into-bed-exhausted.

1:20am – Begin blog surfing.

2:00am – Check TMZ and People CNN and MSNBC for the latest news.

2:30am – I need to make an eye doctor appointment, so I look up the phone number since I’m online already.

2:32am -Remember that it’s 2:30 in the morning and rationalize that the office is probably closed.

2:33am – Decide to make a to-do list so I don’t forget to call them tomorrow. The to-do list ends up being about 3 pages long.

2:45am – Start working on some homework, in order to cross off at least one item on my list.

3:30am- Get frustrated with an assignment and decide to take a break. Log into Facebook so I can play “just one” game of Bejeweled.

4:45am – Dan’s alarm goes off. He continues to snore through it. I go turn it off and shake him awake. He looks at me, momentarily confused as to why I am awake and standing next to the bed.

4:47am – Make joke about how I was watching him sleep. He doesn’t think I’m funny this early in the morning.

4:48am – Jabber at him as he groggily begins to get ready. I am excited to have him up so I can talk to him! I’ve been sitting in silence for HOURS. It’s kind of a form of torture.

5:00am - Dan seems to be rushing to get ready. I ask him if he’s going in early. He replies that he is looking forward to the silent drive to work.

5:05am – Watch YouTube videos and then refuse to tell him why I’m laughing. Ignore me, will he? That’ll teach him.

5:35am – Dan leaves for work and makes me promise to at least try to get some sleep. I go lie in bed and flip on the TV to lull myself to sleep. This tends to work whenever something good is one and I want to stay awake, so in theory it should work when I want to fall asleep and am watching something boring, right?

6:45am – Wrong.

7:15am – Finally feeling drowsy. I have time for a nap before I have to get ready for class. I close my eyes and blissfully start to drift off.

7:17am – Dogs start barking.

7:18am – I get up to go feed them and make sure there isn’t a serial killer standing in my backyard. Nope, they are barking at falling leaves.

7:20am – Back in bed, snuggled under the covers. The dogs start barking again. I ignore it.

7:25am – The dogs start barking again. I yell, but they ignore me.

7:30am – Blissful silence.

7:31am – The neighbors begin yard work and the dogs go crazy.

7:32am – Put the pillow over my head. No good. I’m claustrophobic.

7:33am – Climb out of bed and get a drink of water to calm myself down. I just survived a near death experience, thank you very much. I was almost smothered with a bed pillow!

7:40am – Decide to text Dan to see how his morning is going.

7:41am – Stare at phone, awaiting response.

7:42am – Text him a joke.

7:43am – Stare at phone, awaiting response.

7:44am – Decide he must be busy and go back to bed.

7:45am – Hear my phone beep from across the room. Get up and check the text from Dan. Instead of responding, he simply asked why I am still awake. Decide it’s better if I don’t answer that.

7:46am – Back in bed. Snuggled in the covers. I have about 30 minutes before my alarm will go off.

9:30am – Wake up and realize I am running REALLY late. Must have slept through my alarm. Panic, run around like a chicken with my head cut off and try to get ready in record time.

9:45am – Climbing into my car and realize I’ve left behind my notebook. Run back inside, grab the notebook and happen to glance at the calendar. Realize today is Wednesday, not Thursday. I don’t have class on Wednesday.

9:50am – Go back inside, determined to get some sleep. Climb into bed, wrap myself in the covers and snuggle in.

10:00am – Totally not tired. Too much adrenaline.

10:05am – Admit defeat and get up. Tell myself that sleeping is for the week. Consider changing my Facebook profile page to show that quote. Log on to Facebook.

10:06am – OK, for reals this time, JUST ONE game of Bejeweled.

2:00pm – Wake up to my phone ringing, completely disorientated and confused. Answer the call and Dan tells me that he’s on his way home. He asks me if I got some sleep and if I had a good day.

Yes, just not in that order.

While in Joanns the other day, I saw two teenage boys in the scrapbook aisle. It was almost like I had fallen into some alternate universe. Two male teenagers? In Joanns? In the scrapbook aisle no less? Take cover! The sky is falling!

One of the guys asked an employee for help in picking out items to make a very basic scrapbook. She politely asked them if they were making a gift or buying for someone else. One of the boys replied that he wanted to ask a girl out to prom and since she’s really into scrapbooking, he thought she’d like the gesture.

*swoon*

Suddenly, I was annoyed with every ex-boyfriend I ever had. Where was MY scrapbook? Why hadn’t any of them spent hours crafting the perfect way to ask me out? This made me think back to all the gifts I received, good and bad.

The Good:
Recorded a love song on my answering machine when I went on a family vacation, so that it was the first message I heard once I got home.
A print of one of my favorite paintings, which also happens to coincide with a line from one of my favorite movies.
My favorite lipgloss, which had been discontinued and was impossible to find in AZ. He had a relative in California ship it to him.
A group of farce news clippings that documented all the funny things that had happened in our short relationship.

The Bad:
A poem that didn’t make much sense, which rhymed “Sara” with “lovely hair-a.”
A wallet made of duct tape.
A “mix tape” with only one song on it.
Because I liked cows, an ex gave me anything that had cows on it. Including a 1997 calendar…in 1999.

Dan’s lucky that his first gift to me was an iPod and the next was a Tivo. That man knows the way to my heart.

I don’t mean to cause alarm, but it should be mentioned that Dan has stopped playing WOW. This means the sky is falling or the world is ending or some other sort of end of days thing is about to happen. Because, I repeat, he STOPPED PLAYING WOW.

It all started a few weeks ago, when I made a comment about how little time he was spending in front of his computer at night. He casually replied that he was at the highest level his character could be at, so until an expansion came out he was doing the same things over and over. It was boring him.

Encouraged, I suggested he find something else to fill his free time. I was expecting him to sign us up for dance lessons, start golfing more or maybe join a book club. I was picturing us taking cooking classes together (who am I kidding?) or finding a hobby we both enjoyed. I suddenly pictured my husband as a member of a hobby group that did not involve 12-year-olds and 40-year-olds living in their moms’ basements.

The next day, we ran errands together. We rarely do this just because of our schedules and it almost felt like a date night. Don’t judge me. I’m easily pleased. One of the stops was to Best Buy because I needed something for my photography class. Normally, I try to keep Dan from wandering too far, because he will suddenly appear with a gadget in his hand that we do not need but he insists is vital to life. Because I was so pleased with our “date night” and his sudden desire to find a hobby to replace WOW, I let him wander.

He appeared out of nowhere, clutching a PC game box.

OK, I had set myself up for that one. I acknowledge it and now we can move on.