I have had severe insomnia lately. I like to tell myself that it’s because my brain is so active, it’s hard to switch it off for a few hours and relax. In actuality, it’s probably my brain’s way of punishing me for watching so much reality TV.

Either way, this new schedule gives me oodles of free time. You know all those time I wished there were more hours in the day? It’s not exactly what I meant, but I’ll take it. I suddenly have about 8 extra hours to accomplish a multitude of tasks.

My evenings tend to go like this:

1:00am – Dan tells me he is going to bed. Even though I am not tired and whine about it like a 2-year-old being put down for a nap, I also go lay down. Maybe tonight will be the night I get some sleep.

1:05am – Dan is out cold. I am still awake. I warm up by pressing my cold feet against his in order to steal his body heat. This is partially to get warm and partially to see if he’s really sleep. I’m bored, and want him to wake up and keep me company.

1:15am – After admitting to myself that he is indeed dead to the world, I turn my back to him and close my eyes. I try to tune out everything around me.

1:16am – Dan is snoring. Nudge him and it stops.

1:17am – Dan is snoring again. Nudge him again and it stops.

1:18am – Dan is snoring again. Shake him violently and tell him to roll over and face the other side.

1:19am – Dan is snoring again. Decide that it would be best if I got up and did some work in order to really tire myself out. I can tune out his snoring if I am fall-into-bed-exhausted.

1:20am – Begin blog surfing.

2:00am – Check TMZ and People CNN and MSNBC for the latest news.

2:30am – I need to make an eye doctor appointment, so I look up the phone number since I’m online already.

2:32am -Remember that it’s 2:30 in the morning and rationalize that the office is probably closed.

2:33am – Decide to make a to-do list so I don’t forget to call them tomorrow. The to-do list ends up being about 3 pages long.

2:45am – Start working on some homework, in order to cross off at least one item on my list.

3:30am- Get frustrated with an assignment and decide to take a break. Log into Facebook so I can play “just one” game of Bejeweled.

4:45am – Dan’s alarm goes off. He continues to snore through it. I go turn it off and shake him awake. He looks at me, momentarily confused as to why I am awake and standing next to the bed.

4:47am – Make joke about how I was watching him sleep. He doesn’t think I’m funny this early in the morning.

4:48am – Jabber at him as he groggily begins to get ready. I am excited to have him up so I can talk to him! I’ve been sitting in silence for HOURS. It’s kind of a form of torture.

5:00am - Dan seems to be rushing to get ready. I ask him if he’s going in early. He replies that he is looking forward to the silent drive to work.

5:05am – Watch YouTube videos and then refuse to tell him why I’m laughing. Ignore me, will he? That’ll teach him.

5:35am – Dan leaves for work and makes me promise to at least try to get some sleep. I go lie in bed and flip on the TV to lull myself to sleep. This tends to work whenever something good is one and I want to stay awake, so in theory it should work when I want to fall asleep and am watching something boring, right?

6:45am – Wrong.

7:15am – Finally feeling drowsy. I have time for a nap before I have to get ready for class. I close my eyes and blissfully start to drift off.

7:17am – Dogs start barking.

7:18am – I get up to go feed them and make sure there isn’t a serial killer standing in my backyard. Nope, they are barking at falling leaves.

7:20am – Back in bed, snuggled under the covers. The dogs start barking again. I ignore it.

7:25am – The dogs start barking again. I yell, but they ignore me.

7:30am – Blissful silence.

7:31am – The neighbors begin yard work and the dogs go crazy.

7:32am – Put the pillow over my head. No good. I’m claustrophobic.

7:33am – Climb out of bed and get a drink of water to calm myself down. I just survived a near death experience, thank you very much. I was almost smothered with a bed pillow!

7:40am – Decide to text Dan to see how his morning is going.

7:41am – Stare at phone, awaiting response.

7:42am – Text him a joke.

7:43am – Stare at phone, awaiting response.

7:44am – Decide he must be busy and go back to bed.

7:45am – Hear my phone beep from across the room. Get up and check the text from Dan. Instead of responding, he simply asked why I am still awake. Decide it’s better if I don’t answer that.

7:46am – Back in bed. Snuggled in the covers. I have about 30 minutes before my alarm will go off.

9:30am – Wake up and realize I am running REALLY late. Must have slept through my alarm. Panic, run around like a chicken with my head cut off and try to get ready in record time.

9:45am – Climbing into my car and realize I’ve left behind my notebook. Run back inside, grab the notebook and happen to glance at the calendar. Realize today is Wednesday, not Thursday. I don’t have class on Wednesday.

9:50am – Go back inside, determined to get some sleep. Climb into bed, wrap myself in the covers and snuggle in.

10:00am – Totally not tired. Too much adrenaline.

10:05am – Admit defeat and get up. Tell myself that sleeping is for the week. Consider changing my Facebook profile page to show that quote. Log on to Facebook.

10:06am – OK, for reals this time, JUST ONE game of Bejeweled.

2:00pm – Wake up to my phone ringing, completely disorientated and confused. Answer the call and Dan tells me that he’s on his way home. He asks me if I got some sleep and if I had a good day.

Yes, just not in that order.

After I finish a production, I suddenly feel as though I have oodles of free time. It doesn’t matter if my next job is scheduled to start in just a few days; I feel as though I have too much time on my hands. This typically leads to me browsing the interwebs, trying to find some sort of volunteer work I can do.

So far, I have learned that I am not cut out for the typical places that need volunteers.

Hospital – This is normally my first volunteer site to browse. Dan sweats a little when I mention to him the idea of feeding preemies or delivering flowers to patient rooms. The work itself would be okay. It’s the idea of me coming home every night, sobbing because some poor baby or child is sitting in a hospital. I get a little hysterical at the idea of blood too, so as long as none of the patients are bleeding or show signs of having bled at some point during their stay, I am fine. And the mental image of most medical procedures is enough to make me dizzy. Basically, as long as no one is sick or injured in the hospital, we’re good to go.

Library – I get really upset when people talk in libraries. Not just talk loudly, but talk at all. I view them as a personal sanctuary, that should be filled with dead silence and amazing books. When people talk, it ruins the safe haven experience for me. The librarians tend to get peeved if you yell at patrons for so much as saying “excuse me.”

Fire Department Administrator – The job description includes checking smoke alarms, handing out info to station visitors and visiting eldery residents to ensure their home is free from potential tripping or fire hazards. Can you imagine how sad that would be? “Get rid of this of rug or you could trip and die all alone in your house, without anyone knowing you were in here. Besides your cats of course.” Yeah, that seems like an uplifting way to spend an afternoon.

Scottsdale Museum of Contemporary Art – They frown upon volunteers not doing their jobs and wandering through the exhibits instead.

Cleaning bathrooms at local parks – …ick

At local high schools, teaching drug awareness – Trust me, they are already aware of drugs. They have either already tried them or labeled anyone who has a druggie loser. And while I can do a hysterical impression of a drugged out drop out, I doubt the administrators would find my tactics funny.

Hospice volunteer – You drive to homes of the elderly, which seems simple enough. You are supposed to spend time with them, playing cards, watching movies, etc., which seems fun enough. You are also supposed to check and make sure they are still alive. I don’t want to think of my reaction should I discover the alternative.

Pick up litter – You have to wear an ugly vest and in the guidelines, it says that helmets are highly encouraged. Apparently, some drivers think it’s funny to try and pelt the road workers with garbage. Anything that requires me to be properly armed from incoming flying garbage is a no.

Zoo/Aquarium – Apparently, “come in and just play with baby animals” is not an actual volunteer position. They want you to clean up after the animals, scrub out cage floors or sweep. I would be okay if the volunteer guidelines didn’t specify that you would work in any of the animal houses on the grounds. Me, in a reptile house? Pass.

After going through all those, I finally realize that I should volunteer at a theater. It will look good on a resume and doesn’t involve me seeing blood or other gross things. For the most part. However, most theaters want you to commit to at least 10-20 hours a week. Some want a 6 month commitment. They don’t seem to realize that I have about 20 free hours this week, 10 the next and then maybe a couple a month from that. I once had a woman tell me she couldn’t be bothered to train me if I wasn’t willing to dedicate myself to my passion. Look, lady. I don’t need to be trained in how to rip tickets in half or paint hallways. I need something to fill my free time between theater and film projects.

She suggested I volunteer at a hospital, like she did when she was younger. Apparently, they only have an hour long training session and you only need to sign up for 5 hours a week. I was puzzled and asked her why stapling programs together required more training than working with sick, injured and dying people.

Let’s just say that my future opportunities at her theater are now looking a little bleak.

One of my favorite things to do is go grocery shopping. There is something satisfyingly adult about getting a shopping cart and placing my purse in the spot meant to strap down unruly children. I swing by the disinfectant wipes because sometimes those same unruly children place unruly nose boogies on the handle.

My journey begins in the produce section. I do a quick pause to pull out my list and coupons. Yes, I’m a coupon clipper. My mother taught me to never pay full price for anything except maybe sushi and an education. Once my paperwork is in order, I continue through the produce section, gathering any necessary vegetables for our week’s worth of meals. I also tend to buy some sort of fruit that will look fantastic in the produce section but seems lackluster once it hits our kitchen. I once bought 6 different kinds of apples so we could sample them and figure out our favorite variety, but forgot to label them in some manner. We ended up just eating a lot of random apples that week.

Next, I arrive in the bread and deli section. I’m a whole wheat bread type of girl. Because he has no say in the matter, so is Dan. I fight the urge to buy bagels and always lose. This reminds me that I need cream cheese, so I head over to the dairy section. I’m there approximately 15 minutes, trying to decide on a cream cheese flavor. It’s not like at a bagel shop, where you get to pick a daily flavor. When you get it from the grocery store, you have to commit to an entire tub. I’m just never sure if I’m ready for a serious relationship with plain whipped or if strawberries and cream is giving me the flirty eye.

By this time, I remember the delicious strawberry ice cream that we had a few summers ago and head to the frozen section. Smooth ice cream with chunks of strawberries in it that weren’t incredibly freezer burnt. Eating bad strawberry ice cream with crunchy chunks of fruit in it makes me think of that disgusting cereal that has freeze dried fruit in it. It’s like eating fruit flavored Styrofoam.

Speaking of cereal, we’re almost out. I head towards the cereal section to get our shredded wheat and Cocoa Krispies when a sale sign catches my eye. Oatmeal?! I heart oatmeal! And it’s on sale! I gather up the oatmeal and remember that Dan only likes the peaches and cream flavor instant oatmeal. Grudgingly, I toss a box of that in there too. The woman down the aisle from me asks her husband to grab the tortillas, which for some strange reason are in the same aisle as the mac n’ cheese. This makes me think of how delicious White Trash Dinner would be, so I swing by the same aisle to grab a box of mac n’ cheese and the rest of the makings for this meal. I grab a packet of tortillas for good measure. You can always use tortillas. 

I vaguely remember Dan saying that tacos would be good for dinner this week, so I backtrack towards the meat department, which I skipped in my hasty search for cream cheese. On the way, the Boboli pizza shells catch my eye. Boboli is a good dinner for me when Dan is at work. I grab a packet and head towards the dairy section for shredded cheese. I suddenly remember that we have about 12 bags of cheese currently in our fridge, so I bypass it and head towards the pet section to buy cat and dog food.

Right before the pet section, I spy the latest cover of People which announces that the Duggars are open to the idea of having more kids. This family fascinates me. They have a kajillion children and still manage to appear loving, down to Earth and religious. More importantly, they can feed a family of one kajillion without using a pressure washer to clean their dining room. I grab the magazine and then head to the cleaning section, because the mention of cleaning reminds me that we need dish soap. I spend the next 20 minutes smelling each scent. This is a long process since I have to smell each one in case my preferences have changed since the last time I took the time to smell each one. They haven’t. I pick up our normal bottle of aromatherapy dish soap and merrily head to the checkout, my grown up shopping trip sucessfully complete.

In my cart, I have:
- a bag of lettuce
- 6 apples
- bagels
- 3 tubs of cream cheese
- a carton of choclate ice cream (it’s almost like strawberry…)
- 12 boxes of maple and brown sugar oatmeal
- 1 box of peaches and cream oatmeal
- 1 box of store brand mac n’ cheese
- 1 can of corn
- 1 can of tuna fish
- Boboli pizza crust
- dish soap
- tortillas
- a magazine
- a mini cupcake. The ones they always place near the register, to trick hungry shoppers like myself.
- absolutely nothing to make a complete meal for 2 people. Especially not for an entire week.