I learned 3 very important rules when I was being taught how to drive.

#1. Always wear your seat belt. – Dad
#2. Pay attention to the other drivers. Chances are, they’re crazy. - Mom
#3. Hold your hands at 8 and 4, rather than at 10 and 2. This lessens the chance that you will break your forearms during a collision. – Uncle Brian

At least, I’m assuming that last one is from my Uncle Brian. I don’t remember who exactly told me that but it’s a pretty safe guess it was him. Who else would teach a 16-year-old how to survive a high speed chase and subsequent crash than her SWAT team uncle?

This little tidbit of information was shared with all of my high school friends, who were also at a very impressionable new-driver stage in their lives. I’m sure their parents were thrilled. It also significantly raised my cool factor with the cute older boys who were into cars. Thanks, Uncle Brian.

Anyway, as I was pulling into the parking lot on campus one day, I happened to find the only empty spot was next to a police car. Of course. I safely maneuvered my way into the spot with no problems. As I “exited my vehicle” (cop lingo) the officer casually mentioned that I should keep both hands safely on the wheel when driving. I am sure I gave him a confused look because before I could say anything, he made a motion as if holding a steering wheel and said “10 and 2.” I immediately replied that my uncle was on the force and had told me that holding the wheel at 8 and 4 was just as secure, however it would lessen the chances of arm injuries in a crash.

There was a moment of silence. I had a moment of panic when I wondered if that lesson was one Uncle Brian had merely told me as a joke. I began to sweat, wondering if “telling false driving safety rules” was a ticketable offense. I started of thinking what delectable dessert I was going to make Dan, in order to lessen the sting of seeing my outrageous traffic fine. Then I wondered what would happen if it was a huge sum of money and we couldn’t afford it. I can’t go to jail! I look awful in orange!

The cop tilted his head thoughtfully and said “makes sense.” Then he turned away from me again as if our entire exchange had merely been about the weather or last night’s repeat episode of SNL.

This didn’t stop me from bragging to my friends that I schooled a cop in traffic safety. That’s right, literal street cred.

Every once in awhile, I recall the amount of frustration I had when setting up this blog. Specifically, getting the traffic monitor to properly work. You would think I would follow the site statistics more frequently, considering how many headaches I got setting them up. Nope. It’s a once every 6 months sort of thing.

Here are the most recent searches that brought traffic to my site. Always good for a chuckle.

“Lady of Leisure blog” Maybe I should cut back on the posts announcing my lack of employment. Dan might appreciate not having a constant reminder that he is the sole provider for our household and we don’t even have kids or any reason for my lack of a job.

“best items received by complaining” Everything, my friend. The squeaky wheel gets the new shoes…or something like that.

“I’m like popeye” I’m not sure what this person was looking for exactly. Confirmation of a statement? A shirt to match his muscles? A group for spinach addicted bloggers? I hope he or she found whatever they were looking for. It was obviously not on my blog because they only spent 7 seconds on the site.

“guccigirl warcraft” I’m hoping this means there is a WOW player out there who is outfitting her characters with contemporary fashion styles. However, I don’t think a pair of slingbacks would be very appropriate for late night raids through caverns. Lack of arch support and all that.

“klick pet training” From the stories on this blog, it is pretty obvious that we are not good at training our pets. The site visitor thought so too. They only spent 12 seconds on the post about the dogs farting.

“ninja skills I have them” Well, duh. Of course you would come to this site for that.

“aka I ninja” The word ninja pops up in the statistics a lot. My skills are legendary.

“ninja skills for Christmas” I wish I could impart my wisdom to you, little one. Ninja skills are something that you feel. You can’t just learn them or buy them to stick under the Christmas tree.

“proper way of pronouncing fondant” I’d like to point out that people are coming to my site for cooking and food education. Again, my skills are legendary.

“cats will take over the world” Not “will take.” “Have taken.”

“The Klicks” You found us. Well, two of us. OK, actually only one of us and the other is just a victim silent supporter of the blog. There are others, of course. Klicks I mean, not victims of the blog. Well, besides the cats and my family and anyone who wants to learn ninja skills from me. Wait, where was I going with this?

I recently headed to Toys R Us to finish up some Christmas shopping.

No, I was not buying for Dan. Although I did find a geeky K’nex thing that he probably would have liked, I didn’t want to buy my husband’s gift from a toy store.

It was a little harder to shop this time because I didn’t have any clue as to what the kids wanted. Child #1 is a 7-year-old boy. When I asked for advice from a “toy expert” (seriously, it says it on his shirt!) he recommended anything that made a mess, made noise or had a million parts. My next question was what can I get a 7-year-old boy that WILL NOT MAKE HIS PARENTS HATE ME? Turns out, that’s a much shorter list. We ended up with a game and a magic kit. I can totally picture him showing off his magic skills on the playground and kids will be all jealous and he’ll be like “my favorite aunt bought it for me because she’s the bomb, yo.”

That’s how kids speak, right?

Child #2 was almost too easy to shop for. This little girl who’s turning 5 needed some Princess stuff, stat. We all know that I am good at buying cutesy girl presents that have abnormal amounts of glitter and pink. I found her gifts all in the same aisle practically but when I turned the corner, I was faced with this. It’s a pink Disney laptop. There was one left on the shelf and two ladies were literally bickering over it. A store employee stepped in to find a second one for the loons women and crisis was adverted. When I got to the check out line, one of them women happened to be right behind me. I gestured to the laptop and said “you’re going to make some young girl very happy.” She responded “yes, my 4-year-old will love it.”

… FOUR. YEAR. OLD?!

When I was four, I’m fairly sure my parents were hiding some of my Christmas gifts and rewrapping them for my birthday in March. Had I been given a laptop, I probably would have tried to throw it like a frisbee.

Anyway, child #3 is a year and a half. I fell in love with this little toy that says the name of fish and plays classical music. And then because I didn’t want my relatives to hate me, I also purchased books that made no music, had no flashing lights and were not annoying at all. Spoilsports.

When I arrived home, I triumphantly showed the gifts to Dan. As I piled them up in mini towers, Dan looked quizzically at them.

Dan: What are these for?
Me: Christmas, of course!
Dan: You’re already buying the Christmas gifts?
Me: *in a slight panic* There’s only 2 weeks until Christmas! I still have to wrap all the gifts, finish my finals, put up the decorations, prepare the house for my parents’ visit, send out Christmas cards, ship these gifts across the country, figure out something you want that won’t cost a fortune and plan merriment and festivities with all of my friends. *wheeze*
Dan: Is this a bad time to tell you that the 20 foot tree in the backyard blew over?

More on that later, after I am finished breathing into a paper bag.