I have had severe insomnia lately. I like to tell myself that it’s because my brain is so active, it’s hard to switch it off for a few hours and relax. In actuality, it’s probably my brain’s way of punishing me for watching so much reality TV.

Either way, this new schedule gives me oodles of free time. You know all those time I wished there were more hours in the day? It’s not exactly what I meant, but I’ll take it. I suddenly have about 8 extra hours to accomplish a multitude of tasks.

My evenings tend to go like this:

1:00am – Dan tells me he is going to bed. Even though I am not tired and whine about it like a 2-year-old being put down for a nap, I also go lay down. Maybe tonight will be the night I get some sleep.

1:05am – Dan is out cold. I am still awake. I warm up by pressing my cold feet against his in order to steal his body heat. This is partially to get warm and partially to see if he’s really sleep. I’m bored, and want him to wake up and keep me company.

1:15am – After admitting to myself that he is indeed dead to the world, I turn my back to him and close my eyes. I try to tune out everything around me.

1:16am – Dan is snoring. Nudge him and it stops.

1:17am – Dan is snoring again. Nudge him again and it stops.

1:18am – Dan is snoring again. Shake him violently and tell him to roll over and face the other side.

1:19am – Dan is snoring again. Decide that it would be best if I got up and did some work in order to really tire myself out. I can tune out his snoring if I am fall-into-bed-exhausted.

1:20am – Begin blog surfing.

2:00am – Check TMZ and People CNN and MSNBC for the latest news.

2:30am – I need to make an eye doctor appointment, so I look up the phone number since I’m online already.

2:32am -Remember that it’s 2:30 in the morning and rationalize that the office is probably closed.

2:33am – Decide to make a to-do list so I don’t forget to call them tomorrow. The to-do list ends up being about 3 pages long.

2:45am – Start working on some homework, in order to cross off at least one item on my list.

3:30am- Get frustrated with an assignment and decide to take a break. Log into Facebook so I can play “just one” game of Bejeweled.

4:45am – Dan’s alarm goes off. He continues to snore through it. I go turn it off and shake him awake. He looks at me, momentarily confused as to why I am awake and standing next to the bed.

4:47am – Make joke about how I was watching him sleep. He doesn’t think I’m funny this early in the morning.

4:48am – Jabber at him as he groggily begins to get ready. I am excited to have him up so I can talk to him! I’ve been sitting in silence for HOURS. It’s kind of a form of torture.

5:00am - Dan seems to be rushing to get ready. I ask him if he’s going in early. He replies that he is looking forward to the silent drive to work.

5:05am – Watch YouTube videos and then refuse to tell him why I’m laughing. Ignore me, will he? That’ll teach him.

5:35am – Dan leaves for work and makes me promise to at least try to get some sleep. I go lie in bed and flip on the TV to lull myself to sleep. This tends to work whenever something good is one and I want to stay awake, so in theory it should work when I want to fall asleep and am watching something boring, right?

6:45am – Wrong.

7:15am – Finally feeling drowsy. I have time for a nap before I have to get ready for class. I close my eyes and blissfully start to drift off.

7:17am – Dogs start barking.

7:18am – I get up to go feed them and make sure there isn’t a serial killer standing in my backyard. Nope, they are barking at falling leaves.

7:20am – Back in bed, snuggled under the covers. The dogs start barking again. I ignore it.

7:25am – The dogs start barking again. I yell, but they ignore me.

7:30am – Blissful silence.

7:31am – The neighbors begin yard work and the dogs go crazy.

7:32am – Put the pillow over my head. No good. I’m claustrophobic.

7:33am – Climb out of bed and get a drink of water to calm myself down. I just survived a near death experience, thank you very much. I was almost smothered with a bed pillow!

7:40am – Decide to text Dan to see how his morning is going.

7:41am – Stare at phone, awaiting response.

7:42am – Text him a joke.

7:43am – Stare at phone, awaiting response.

7:44am – Decide he must be busy and go back to bed.

7:45am – Hear my phone beep from across the room. Get up and check the text from Dan. Instead of responding, he simply asked why I am still awake. Decide it’s better if I don’t answer that.

7:46am – Back in bed. Snuggled in the covers. I have about 30 minutes before my alarm will go off.

9:30am – Wake up and realize I am running REALLY late. Must have slept through my alarm. Panic, run around like a chicken with my head cut off and try to get ready in record time.

9:45am – Climbing into my car and realize I’ve left behind my notebook. Run back inside, grab the notebook and happen to glance at the calendar. Realize today is Wednesday, not Thursday. I don’t have class on Wednesday.

9:50am – Go back inside, determined to get some sleep. Climb into bed, wrap myself in the covers and snuggle in.

10:00am – Totally not tired. Too much adrenaline.

10:05am – Admit defeat and get up. Tell myself that sleeping is for the week. Consider changing my Facebook profile page to show that quote. Log on to Facebook.

10:06am – OK, for reals this time, JUST ONE game of Bejeweled.

2:00pm – Wake up to my phone ringing, completely disorientated and confused. Answer the call and Dan tells me that he’s on his way home. He asks me if I got some sleep and if I had a good day.

Yes, just not in that order.

I learned 3 very important rules when I was being taught how to drive.

#1. Always wear your seat belt. – Dad
#2. Pay attention to the other drivers. Chances are, they’re crazy. - Mom
#3. Hold your hands at 8 and 4, rather than at 10 and 2. This lessens the chance that you will break your forearms during a collision. – Uncle Brian

At least, I’m assuming that last one is from my Uncle Brian. I don’t remember who exactly told me that but it’s a pretty safe guess it was him. Who else would teach a 16-year-old how to survive a high speed chase and subsequent crash than her SWAT team uncle?

This little tidbit of information was shared with all of my high school friends, who were also at a very impressionable new-driver stage in their lives. I’m sure their parents were thrilled. It also significantly raised my cool factor with the cute older boys who were into cars. Thanks, Uncle Brian.

Anyway, as I was pulling into the parking lot on campus one day, I happened to find the only empty spot was next to a police car. Of course. I safely maneuvered my way into the spot with no problems. As I “exited my vehicle” (cop lingo) the officer casually mentioned that I should keep both hands safely on the wheel when driving. I am sure I gave him a confused look because before I could say anything, he made a motion as if holding a steering wheel and said “10 and 2.” I immediately replied that my uncle was on the force and had told me that holding the wheel at 8 and 4 was just as secure, however it would lessen the chances of arm injuries in a crash.

There was a moment of silence. I had a moment of panic when I wondered if that lesson was one Uncle Brian had merely told me as a joke. I began to sweat, wondering if “telling false driving safety rules” was a ticketable offense. I started of thinking what delectable dessert I was going to make Dan, in order to lessen the sting of seeing my outrageous traffic fine. Then I wondered what would happen if it was a huge sum of money and we couldn’t afford it. I can’t go to jail! I look awful in orange!

The cop tilted his head thoughtfully and said “makes sense.” Then he turned away from me again as if our entire exchange had merely been about the weather or last night’s repeat episode of SNL.

This didn’t stop me from bragging to my friends that I schooled a cop in traffic safety. That’s right, literal street cred.

After I finish a production, I suddenly feel as though I have oodles of free time. It doesn’t matter if my next job is scheduled to start in just a few days; I feel as though I have too much time on my hands. This typically leads to me browsing the interwebs, trying to find some sort of volunteer work I can do.

So far, I have learned that I am not cut out for the typical places that need volunteers.

Hospital – This is normally my first volunteer site to browse. Dan sweats a little when I mention to him the idea of feeding preemies or delivering flowers to patient rooms. The work itself would be okay. It’s the idea of me coming home every night, sobbing because some poor baby or child is sitting in a hospital. I get a little hysterical at the idea of blood too, so as long as none of the patients are bleeding or show signs of having bled at some point during their stay, I am fine. And the mental image of most medical procedures is enough to make me dizzy. Basically, as long as no one is sick or injured in the hospital, we’re good to go.

Library – I get really upset when people talk in libraries. Not just talk loudly, but talk at all. I view them as a personal sanctuary, that should be filled with dead silence and amazing books. When people talk, it ruins the safe haven experience for me. The librarians tend to get peeved if you yell at patrons for so much as saying “excuse me.”

Fire Department Administrator – The job description includes checking smoke alarms, handing out info to station visitors and visiting eldery residents to ensure their home is free from potential tripping or fire hazards. Can you imagine how sad that would be? “Get rid of this of rug or you could trip and die all alone in your house, without anyone knowing you were in here. Besides your cats of course.” Yeah, that seems like an uplifting way to spend an afternoon.

Scottsdale Museum of Contemporary Art – They frown upon volunteers not doing their jobs and wandering through the exhibits instead.

Cleaning bathrooms at local parks – …ick

At local high schools, teaching drug awareness – Trust me, they are already aware of drugs. They have either already tried them or labeled anyone who has a druggie loser. And while I can do a hysterical impression of a drugged out drop out, I doubt the administrators would find my tactics funny.

Hospice volunteer – You drive to homes of the elderly, which seems simple enough. You are supposed to spend time with them, playing cards, watching movies, etc., which seems fun enough. You are also supposed to check and make sure they are still alive. I don’t want to think of my reaction should I discover the alternative.

Pick up litter – You have to wear an ugly vest and in the guidelines, it says that helmets are highly encouraged. Apparently, some drivers think it’s funny to try and pelt the road workers with garbage. Anything that requires me to be properly armed from incoming flying garbage is a no.

Zoo/Aquarium – Apparently, “come in and just play with baby animals” is not an actual volunteer position. They want you to clean up after the animals, scrub out cage floors or sweep. I would be okay if the volunteer guidelines didn’t specify that you would work in any of the animal houses on the grounds. Me, in a reptile house? Pass.

After going through all those, I finally realize that I should volunteer at a theater. It will look good on a resume and doesn’t involve me seeing blood or other gross things. For the most part. However, most theaters want you to commit to at least 10-20 hours a week. Some want a 6 month commitment. They don’t seem to realize that I have about 20 free hours this week, 10 the next and then maybe a couple a month from that. I once had a woman tell me she couldn’t be bothered to train me if I wasn’t willing to dedicate myself to my passion. Look, lady. I don’t need to be trained in how to rip tickets in half or paint hallways. I need something to fill my free time between theater and film projects.

She suggested I volunteer at a hospital, like she did when she was younger. Apparently, they only have an hour long training session and you only need to sign up for 5 hours a week. I was puzzled and asked her why stapling programs together required more training than working with sick, injured and dying people.

Let’s just say that my future opportunities at her theater are now looking a little bleak.