Dan: Gah! This was the worst chocolate chip cookie ever!
Me: That’s a scone you dork. You’re supposed to warm it up and eat it with butter or preserves.
Dan: Well I ate the entire thing before you told me this, so I still think of it as the worst chocolate chip cookie ever.
Me: You’re lucky you’re cute.
—
Me: *typing this blog*
Dan: *looks over* You’re typing about the scone? You suck.
Me: There was something else you said today that made me laugh. What was it?
Dan: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, ‘cuz I’m gonna tell you. Like I’m going to ever talk to you again. Turd.
—
Me: At the shower, someone asked me if you cooked. I told them you had to, because I don’t and otherwise we’d eat out every night.
Dan: You cook!
Me: No I don’t.
Dan: You made the lasagna for everyone.
Me: That was your birthday and a special occasion. Name one thing I’ve made since then.
Dan: …drawing a blank. Maybe I’m doing you a disservice.
Me: How so?
Dan: You’re a wife. Wives are supposed to cook and clean and bring me beers when I’m watching football.
Me: Well if you’re going to play the sexist card, you’re a husband. You should do the yardwork and take out the trash.
Dan: I do the yardwork! I “do” it by writing a check to a landscaper so he comes by and mows the grass. Now bring me a beer.
—
Me: Did you see Tartraz’s post about her new office?
Dan: Yup.
Me: Isn’t it cute?!
Dan: No, because if I say yes, you’re going to want to redecorate.
—
Dan: In my Sims game, you take a helicopter to work. That’s so fitting.
Me: What do you mean?
Dan: You’re high maintenance.
Me: I’m not high maintenance! You’re high maintenance!
Dan: I’m gonna high maintenance your face.
Dan: …Don’t put that in the blog.
—
Me: Can I buy some refills for our air freshener?
Dan: No. You’ll pick dumb scents.
Me: Ok. Can I buy a new belt? My pants are too big and they keep falling down.
Dan: No, because when I agree, you’ll say “instead of spending money on a belt, I’m going to buy air freshener refills.”
Me: I need a new husband. Mine’s wise to all my tricks.

I’ve had a very productive day, and for once I mean that without sarcasm.

Someone once told me sarcasm was the dumb way to defend yourself when in an uncomfortable situation. They are wrong because I am awesome. Clearly.

Anyway, I went out and applied to various retail places for a weekend job. I want to earn a little spending cash and this crafting hobby of mine is rather expensive. I won’t get as many eye rolls from Dan if I’m bringing home more bacon.

Why does one bring home specifically bacon? What if someone is a vegetarian? Do they say “bringing home the soy product?”

Many of the places I applied to gave me very suspicious looks when I turned over my application. Why would someone want to take a drastic pay cut to work part-time in retail? The manager at Michael’s understood the lure of “employee discount.” Unfortunately their wages were lower the mental number I had in my head that would make it worthwhile to take another job. So, I applied at quite a few other places. I’m now stressed about it. What if they don’t like me? What if they think I’m over or under qualified for the position? What if they think the required apron will not look good on me? Oh the pressure.

I took a quick lunch break and then applied to a few more places via the internet. Did you know that big box companies feel they can judge you by 85 standardized questions? In all fairness though, they weren’t 85 original questions. They asked about how I handle stressful situations at least 4 times. Do you think they did that on purpose? Stressing me out by asking me the same thing so many times, my eye twitches?

—
I was hitting submit on my final online application when I heard a strange commotion outside in our backyard. I tend to view myself as a fairly brave person, so I headed outside on my own to investigate. With my cell phone in hand. And BBQ tongs.

When danger calls, I grab BBQ tongs. Dummy.

Upon stepping outside, I saw nothing. The commotion continued though, so I cautiously walked to the middle of the backyard where I could finally tell the noise was coming from our neighbor’s yard. Part of me wanted to turn, thinking it was none of my business and I shouldn’t snoop. But the bigger part of me wanted to make sure there was not a child or defenseless animal being mauled by a rabid dog.

I climbed onto our planters that line the back wall and slowly lifted my head. The image on the other side was so horrible, so revolting that I hesitate to share it with all of you now.

My neighbor’s parents are visiting them. They are at least in their 70’s…and still physically attracted to each other.

Filed under “Things One Should Never Have to See.”

Dan and I have decided to take a trip to PA for Christmas. We want to meet his newest nephew and my sister is graduating from Kent State on December 13th. Because the timing is so close, we decided to make a long trip of it instead of paying for 2 flights in a 2 week time span.
So far, our travels plans are as follows:
Fly to Ohio
Go shopping to kill time because there’s nothing else to do in Kent.
See a graduation ceremony.
Go shopping for Christmas wrapping paper.
Celebrate an early Christmas with my family.
Go to New York.
Go shoe shopping.
Go to D.C.
Go souvenir shopping.
Go to the Baltimore Aquarium (kudos to Baltimore now that my bestie has decided to stay here.)
Go Christmas shopping.
See where Dan grew up.
Go antique shopping.
Oh yeah…and we’re going to see family and celebrate the season and all that. But most importantly, we will go shopping in states that I’ve never shopped in before.

Anyone have “Do Not Miss” stores you wanna fill me in on? I suppose you should offer cultural tourist attractions as well. As backup in case the stores are closed.