Dan was working on a presentation for work on Facebook, procrastinating. He suddenly starting chuckling to himself.
Me: What’s so funny?
Dan: I’m so Corporate America on Farm Town.
Me: What do you mean?
Dan: I just sold all of my animals because they were getting in the way.
Seriously, folks. There needs to be a support group to cure this addiction.
I had my first brush with the fellow unemployed. Long story short, my first job ever was at Michaels and obviously under my maiden name. When I reapplied there last Christmas it was as a rehire, even though it had been [insert # of years here. A lady never reveals her age.] Michaels never bothered to change my records. So the goverment sent me a letter, basically telling me I had to go down to the employment administration office with a copy of my social security card.
As I entered the building, it turned out to be nicer than I expected. The place was clean, the employees were almost Disney friendly and the furniture was comfy. I gave my name and was given some paperwork to fill out. After I turned it in, the front desk guy said there were only 6 people ahead of me and I would be out of there within an hour or so.
TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER my eye was twitching. I had heard so many weird conversations in the waiting area, and that was while I was reading and trying to tune everyone out. (Funny side note, I was reading Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster and no, I was not carrying a Prada bag. That reference was totally funny if you’ve read the book. If you haven’t, I’ll loan you my copy.)
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Man 1: They say the wait’s about an hour but we should listen for our names. Did you bring along any light reading with you?
Man 2: Yeah, I’ve got this here magazine. How ’bout you?
Man 1: Yeah, I brought my Bible.
Woman: (making small talk with the stranger next to her, who she’s just discovered is new to AZ) What brought you out here?
Man: My wife of 26 years passed away. My sister didn’t want me living alone so she had me come out here to live with her.
Woman: I’m sorry to hear about your wife.
Man: Well, thank you ma’am.
Woman: I’ve had a few losses in my family recently too.
Man: I’m sorry to hear that.
Woman: First, my grandmother died about 17 years ago. My momma passed away about 15 years ago. My brother died 9 years ago.
Man: My condolences.
Woman: Thank you. It must just run in our family.
Man: …what does? Death?
Man: (into phone) Did you get the tractor running?… No, I said tractor….TRAC-TOR…the big [effing] machine that’s rusting in your backyard, you dummy! …that is not a nice thing to say about my sister!
Employee: Sir, do you mind moving to one of the waiting room chairs? These chairs are so people can use the free phones to the job search line.
Man: No problem. (Gets up and moves to one of the 20 or so empty chairs right next to him.)
Employee: Miss? Do you mind…
Woman: I am pregnant!
Employee: …congratulations. Do you mind moving to one of these other chairs? We have a line of people waiting to use these phones.
Woman: (indignant) Did you not just hear that I am pregnant?! I cannot stand up and put my baby at risk!
Employee: Can you just scoot your chair over a few feet so this gentleman can use the phone?
Woman: No, don’t touch my chair. I’ll just move!
As she huffs over to the chair 2 feet away from her, the guy waiting to use the phone politely asked how far along she was.
Woman: Well, I haven’t been to the doctor yet, but my husband and I have been trying for a week, so I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant by now.
Man 1: What did you do?
Man 2: Sales. Most recently, in advertising. How about you?
Man 1: Mooched off my rich wife. B*tch wizened up though.
Me: Ugh, Sara. Focus. Focus focus focus.
Dan: What?
Me: I’m having a hard time focusing on this manifesto assignment. As soon as I start brainstorming another argument, my mind wanders to things like kittens and needle felting.
Dan: That’s not that weird. Earlier today I was playing Bejeweled Blitz in my head.
He said some other stuff, but I was laughing too loudly to hear him.
