My family members are all pretty different, but there is one thing that we all agree on: our love of football season. Sundays meant we all gathered around the TV. Mom would serve chili dogs and threaten our lives if we spilled any on the couches. Dad and my sister would be cheering so loudly that there would be an inevitable spill. If it was warm out, Dad would grill after the game was over and the steaks tasted better if their favorite teams played well that day. There was an excitement in the air that all three look forward to each football season.

For me, football season was a little different. Sundays were family days, so my parents wanted me to hang out even if I wasn’t into football. This normally meant that I was bribed with a new book or craft project to work on while everyone else was paying attention to the TV. (Side bar note to Husband: Now do you see why I think I deserve a present every time I have to sit through something boring? You can blame my parents.) Football season means something entirely different to me. Instead of sports, when football season comes around I get really excited about new crafts. The local hobby stores bring out their Christmas gear in the Fall so when I see blue and silver, instead of thinking of the Cowboys, I am picturing glittery snowflakes and expensive gift ribbon. Red and gold doesn’t symbolize the 49ers to me; it symbolizes the decadence of the holiday season draped over lush pine trees.

So every fall, my family writes the games on the calendar while I make note of the sales. They put their season tickets in a safe spot while I make sure my coupons are tucked into my purse. They pull out their logo gear and deck out in their favorite colors while I make sure I am wearing comfortable walking/shopping shoes. They are drinking beer and eating hot dogs while I am drinking water to stay hydrated and snacking on whatever I can find in my purse to hold me over until I get home. They come home cranky if their teams lose and I come home cranky if I had my heart set on an item that was out of stock.

When my dad called to tell me he was flying out of town to see the first pre-season game, I got super excited. Sure enough, I hit my local Michaels and found Christmas boxes being unpacked. My dad got to watch his Cowboys beat the Bengals while I came home with bags full of loot for less than $30. I’m not sure which of us was happier.

While we have our differences, the important thing is that we all love the football season. The only big difference is that their view of the season involves sports.

Me: I love “House.” I want him to be my bestie.
Dan: I don’t think he would.
Me: Why not? I’m like-able.
Dan: Because you use words like “bestie.”

—-

Dan: I really like “Hell’s Kitchen” and “Master Cook.”
Me: Me too. Gordon Ramsey is hilarious and seems genuinely nice even through all his yelling.
Dan: …
Me: …
Dan: I want him to be my bestie.

—

Me: While driving, looks over to see Dan reaching for an imaginary object and pulling it towards him. What on Earth are you doing?
Dan: I’m excited about this vacation. I’m full of nervous energy.
Me: But what are you miming?
Dan: I’m practicing for the slot machines. Gotta be ready for Vegas.

—

Me: Via text Have fun in Vegas! No prostitutes or circus midgets.
Dan: Ok, I promise no prostitutes.

—

Dan: I think he’s Polynesian. That’s Asian, right?
Me: I think it’s technically considered Pacific Islander.
Dan: I thought Pacific Islanders were the …you know… big guys. Holds his hands out to the side and pretends to waddle.
Me: “Big guys?” What do you mean? Like, Samoans? Or sumo wrestlers?
Dan: Yeah, Samoans. Those big guys!
Me: The racism in this conversation is incredible.
Dan: I’m not racist, just ignorant. *proceeds to laugh hysterically at himself*
Me: You’re a dork.
Dan: A good joke is a good joke, no matter who it hurts.
Me: You made fun of yourself!
Dan: I repeat, a good joke is a good joke…

—

*High fives himself.* That’s right. I just high fived myself. That’s how awkward this conversation is.

Situation: The spouse wants beef stroganoff for dinner.

Dan’s version: After hearing Sara’s request, he goes to Whole Foods and buys all organic products. His wife is allergic to random things and he wants to make sure she enjoys the meal without irritation. He brings the ingredients home and lovingly slices everything. He makes the sauce from scratch, using fine wine, and lets it marinade for the maximum amount of time in order to bring out all the flavors. Total prep and cooking time, 6 hours.
Sara’s version: After hearing’s Dan’s request, she orders chinese.

Situation: The spouse is in the mood for Italian.

Dan’s version: After hearing Sara’s request, he goes to the store and buys the ingredients to make hand rolled cannelloni. He fills each with a mixture of cheeses and spinach. He prepares a fresh side salad and buttery, hot garlic bread. He adds extra Parmesan to the sauce, because he knows Sara loves Parmesan.
Sara’s version: After hearing’s Dan’s request, she orders pizza.

Situation: The spouse wants a birthday cake.

Dan’s version: Dan gets Sara’s favorite chocolate cake recipe from his mother and lovingly bakes the cake from scratch. He doesn’t like fruit filling in chocolate cake, but knows that she does, so he makes fresh raspberry filling and drizzles it between the cake layers. He serves it warm, dripping with gooey chocolate icing. He uses stuff they have at home, so the cake costs him little more than $10 in total and about two hours of time.
Sara’s version: She finds a cool looking cake online that is three tiers and involves modelling chocolate, spun sugar and multiple cake flavors. She goes to the local baking supply store and spends $25 on cake decorating tools. She then heads to Michaels to buy another $20 worth of cake decorating gadgets. She heads to the grocery store and spends 30 minutes wandering the aisles, trying to find things she’s never heard of such as meringue power and low-fat buttermilk. She gets into an argument with an employee about the fact that corn syrup is with pancake syrup instead of near baking supplies. She calls mom to ask about the difference between light and dark corn syrup. She almost picks a fight with the smug housewife who laughed when she overheard her calling mom to ask about the difference between light and dark corn syrup.  She waits in a long line, finally forking over $50 on her cake ingredients. She heads home and is entirely too exhausted from the ordeal to do any actual baking. She’ll do it tomorrow…   Total cost: $95 plus gas. Total time: 3 hours plus whatever she spends once she actually bakes the darn thing.